at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Randomize
