It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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