i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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