I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
