I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
another moral hangover. fuck.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
