How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
