I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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