jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Randomize
