just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
