I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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