Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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