I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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