i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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