I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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