I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
try to milk me bitch
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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