someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
