Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
