Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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