i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
