You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
