Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
50% drunk capacity currently
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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