Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
