I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
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