someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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