I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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