youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
