youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
