I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
