I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
