On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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