I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
