tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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