i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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