If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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