Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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