On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
