your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
