well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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