I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
