I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
