I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Randomize
