saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
