Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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