Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
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