How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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