I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
