So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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