upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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