You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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