3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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