I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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